My human changelog

I've decided to track my life like a series of software updates. It's my human changelog.

v3.0.9

Published on 2023-07-22

My key takeaway for June was: progress takes time

Since I've been on a gluten-free diet, one thing I've noticed is that my body seems to be much better at synthesizing protein. I've noticed a slight increase in visual muscle mass now that I've upped my protein intake + have been doing more resistance training and climbing. Prior to cutting out gluten, I always felt putting on muscle was a bit of a struggle. I'd plateau very easily, and increasing protein intake + resistance training just hurt my gut and made me sore all the time.

The downside to this, though, is that I'm trying to rush the progress of muscle gain and fat loss. There's a bit of body dysmorphia associated with rushing the process, too. The stubborn fat stays, and the muscle isn't showing as quickly as I want it to.

It's a great reminder to think about compounding progress and the importance of showing up consistently.

v3.0.8

Published on 2023-06-22

My key takeaway for May was: push the boulder down-hill.

The last few months have gotten away from me. Lots of changes with the new job and slowly taking on more responsibilities. I've also tried to push myself to be more physically active and social. I also learned I have a gluten intolerance (possibly celiac), which was a wild and powerful revelation.

Cutting out gluten has been a game changer for me. Physically I feel incredibly good compared to where I was a few months ago. Emotionally, things feel way more stable. My anxiety, depression and panic have mostly subsided. Which I suspect is a combination of SNRIs and a strict gluten-free diet.

Job-wise, I'm finally starting to chase the boulder down-hill instead of trying to push it to the summit. Quite a few times in my career I've been told that engineering management would suit me. I've also always been "the advice guy" in my friend groups. People confide in me, trust me, and look to me for advice. For most of my life, I've pushed that away, not wanting to deal with the people parts. However, at Unsplash, I have the opportunity to take more of that on, and I've realized that I'm happy enough with my technical chops that I'd rather pursue helping people grow. For once, I'll be following the pull in my life.

v3.0.4

Published on 2023-02-05

My key takeaway for January was: embrace feeling like a junior

I'm about 3 weeks in to my new job, and for the first time in what feels like a decade, I feel like a junior developer again in a professional context. In the past when I've joined new orgs, I have a good grasp on the development side and I have to spend time ramping up on the business/domain knowledge. This job is flipped.

The company I joined has a very heavy focus on deep, strongly typed, functional programming, which I've only ever toyed with here and there. It's been a wild, exciting and ego-testing experience to say the least. Imposter syndrome is running rampant, but thankfully everyone on the team is very understanding and supportive. I'm very much looking forward to what me at 6 months looks like compared to now.

v3.0.3

Published on 2023-01-04

My key takeaway for December was: your environment shapes you deeply

The end of December was packed with many things. My partner and I moved to a bigger place, I got a new job and we did all the holiday things.

Moving was the most exciting, followed by landing the new job. The place we used to be in was supposed to be temporary while I gave Firstbloom a shot. It was small, cheap and affordable by Montreal standards. However, it was filled with problems. This new place, though far from perfect, gives us a lot more space and quiet, which is wonderful. It's really highlighted how important getting your environment right has been.

Though I'm still struggling to feel good day-to-day, things are getting better, which is nice. One step at a time. My goal for 2023 is consistency in aerobic exercise, finding community and experiencing the world.

v3.0.2

Published on 2022-12-01

My key takeaway for November was: live below 100%

Most of November was filled with very low energy. I was fighting off a cold, and then switched to a low-carb diet, which ultimately kept me immobilized for 3 weeks. It wasn't a great month mentally, either. The lack of movement deconditioned me, and suddenly any form of activity became extremely difficult. Thankfully, I'm on the uptick now. I don't think strict keto is for me anymore. So, I'm sticking to a sub 100g carb diet, and so far it's been working much better than keto.

I tend to push myself beyond what I'm capable a little too often. Doing so every once in a while is amazing for growth. But sustained high-effort is a recipe for disaster. You'd think after burning out and creating a whole bunch of health problems, I'd learn. But, I've realized it's much more subtle than you'd expect. Especially when you don't have things surrounding you to help you decompress. Spending hours on YouTube doesn't replace what's actually required, and I need to break that habit.

v3.0.1

Published on 2022-11-11

My key takeaway for October was: everything happens at once.

So, I'm 30 now. It's been 3 decades that I've been alive. I was able to celebrate with great people, with great food, and had a lot of fun. And for that, I'm eternally grateful.

October—bleeding into November—is a month of changes. Some I can talk about, some I can't But, what it's reminded me of is the fact that things typically happen all together. Either at the same time, or in quick succession. It can be overwhelming, but I'm surprisingly calm. However, most things are still in transition, so we'll see once the balls start rolling instead of them just being lined up.

v2.9.10

Published on 2022-10-06

My key takeaways for September were: It's all about the community and giving up is a great move.

There's still a solid people-shaped hole in my life. Most of my days are spent with myself, and while I don't hate myself completely, it gets pretty tiring when most of the thoughts in your head are anxious or lacking self-confidence. When I'm at my best, I have a lot more social interaction in my life. So, I've been searching for a way to add it in, and I think I finally found it in bouldering.

The other main takeaway this past month was that it's totally fine to give up when you're not longer having fun. I was pushing myself to keep my 52 weeks going, but I started to find it draining and annoying more than it was exciting and invigorating. My energy is already pretty finite right now, so spending it on things I don't get joy from when they aren't things I must spend energy on was pretty backwards.

v2.9.9

Published on 2022-09-08

My key take away for August was: solving the root problem is rarely easy.

The last year and a half, I've largely ignored what I really needed. This past month I came to terms with what I'd been avoiding and took steps to change it. It hasn't been rectified yet, and I'm purposefully being vague until it's fully realized. Hopefully in the next few weeks the change will be solidified. A hint: the core of the issue has to do with continuing to be in a situation similar to being a founder of Firstbloom.

v2.9.8

Published on 2022-08-02

My key take away for July was: I have OCD.

So, it turns out that I likely have OCD. I can say this with 95% confidence at this point. And, it feels kind of awesome to be able to say that.

The last 2 years have been a shit show for a multitude of reasons. The main one for me being grappling with my mental health. I hadn't been able to pinpoint what I'd been feeling outside of panic and general anxiety, but that wasn't a satisfying answer. There was always something missing.

I won't go into too much detail here. For details you can read this weekly creation entry. To keep it short, I've been reading up on OCD, and for the first time in my life I see a behavioural overlap that's above 80% and very consistent. It feels wonderful to finally have a target and a deeper understanding of myself.

v2.9.7

Published on 2022-07-03

My key take away for June was: I need to have more faith.

I don't mean faith in the religious sense. Faith to me is trusting in the larger systems of life. Faith in the way, and in letting go of the un-influenceable. A lot of that has come from re-reading Taoist, Zen and some Buddhist philosophy. Specifically from re-reading passages of the Tao Te Ching, and picking up Tao: The Watercourse Way by Alan Watts. There was also Tim Ferriss' latest interview with Jack Kornfield, that completely changed my view of death.

I've found a greater sense of levity because I've taken the time to be a beginner again. I've also made more time to socialize. With COVID severity and fear continuing to drop, at least in Montreal, it's helping me get out and see people again. My battery is much larger than I've realized. And, I suspect it's always felt smaller than it is due to social anxiety, which I've managed to get over in a lot of ways.

Something else that might be helping is pushing myself physically. I've recently started doing the /r/bodyweightfitness recommended routine again. It's been years since I last followed it. I forgot how good it makes me feel. The extra mobility, strength and endurance that comes with it is hard to beat.

v2.9.6

Published on 2022-05-03

My key take away for April was: sleep should be a top priority.

I had surprise physical health issues in April, which wasn't great. All of them likely linked to a lack of sleep. That lack of sleep was probably driven by stress and possibly sleep apnea. After 2 consecutive 9 hour nights, most of the issues diminished or vanished.

Being reminded of how important sleep is to functioning well in every day life, I've decided to abolish wake-up alarms for the foreseeable future. Unless I have an early appointment I need to make. I realize how privileged and fortunate that statement is, and I really do wish we could all live that way.

v2.9.5

Published on 2022-04-02

My key take away for March was: I'm more extroverted than I thought.

This past year has shown me how important people are to my mental health. For a long period of my life, I built this narrative that I was a massive introvert. That being around people drained me so much, and social situations created a lot of my anxiety. Overtime, I started socializing more and that image drifted away, but it was never a conscious change in perception, it just happened.

Without this conscious shift, I carried that view of myself and just kind of wondered why my anxiety drifted away. I never realized the impact that being around people I liked being around on a daily basis impacted me. How it made life feel less grey. The pandemic forced me to think about it, and I now realize, I'm way more extroverted than I thought. I need balance, but I still need people to life a happy and fulfilling life.

Now that my perspective has shifted knowingly, I can start taking steps towards re-integrating a strong social life with healthy boundaries.

Though I still struggle a bit with the safety of it all due to COVID, and I still have some social anxieties in general, I can intentionally take steps towards making a change.

v2.9.4

Published on 2022-02-27

My key take away for February was: Body leads mind.

I made a goal for myself to reach by the end of this year. I want to recompose my body. I've struggled with weight and body image issues most of my life. From being 310lbs at 16 to dropping down to 180lbs in 2017 through a ketogenic diet, while still feeling "skinny fat." Though I've been healthier with weight and fitness, for the most part, I still struggle with physical activity. Especially during the pandemic.

This February I picked up the Kettlebell again and started doing swings and clean & presses. It's been wonderful to get moving again. I still have a long way to go, but it reminded me of something really important. Body leads mind. When you feel shitty, like I have been for the past 2 years, it's in large part due to how little I move physically now. It's time to change that!

v2.9.3

Published on 2022-01-30

My key take away for January was: desire, as in thirsting, should not be confused with desire as in aspiration.

I've had a bit of a spiritual revelation this month. Since my burnout, I've been trying to understand how to desire to be a better person, while not desiring material/status driven things. It wasn't until I read that we often use the word desire in translations of Buddhist & Taoist texts to refer to desire as in thirsting, longing or greed but also desire as in aspiring to create positive change within ones self, which is often a misinterpretation of the texts.

This head splitting paradox that I'd been trying to wrap my head around all year finally became clear to me. One can aspire to be better, and create better systems without falling prey to the longing of material gains. I feel like I've unlocked a more concrete understanding of how one can behave without desire, while retaining a desire to improve. The next paradox to unlock is to not aspire to unlock further paradoxes. Which is likely a more infinite game of life.

v2.9.2

Published on 2022-01-01

My key take away for December was: Renewal isn't dependent on a new year.

Well, it's officially 2022. Happy new years! I hope everyone who reads this had a good holidays.

For the end of December, I wanted to really embrace change and try to push myself to get back into old, good, habits. To accomplish this, I decided I wanted to focus on 4 main categories of improvement, which also spawned a 52 weeks of creation project. Hopefully it'll be a way for me to keep spirits high and express some pent up creativity in a consistent manner. Fingers crossed it'll help with mental health, and that the pandemic is truly coming to an endemic state sooner than later this year.

v2.9.1

Published on 2021-12-02

My key take away for November was: Be like water.

I totally forgot to update this in November for the month of October. I have a feeling it's because it was my birthday month, and there was a lot of stuff going on. So, I'm just going to skip it 🤷🏻.

As for November, I've been really enjoying learning about Daoism. After reading Stillness is the Key and The Tao to Jing, I wanted to dig a little deeper. I found a lot of comfort in the those writings. So, I picked up a few more Zen & Daoist books to keep learning. I just started Being Taoist: Wisdom for Living a Balanced Life by Eva Wong, which has been an incredible way to start my mornings. It's filled with amazing ways of looking at the world, and finding peace in this whirlwind we continue to go through. I'm still recovering from a burnout, so my fuse is really short, and it's nice to surround myself with literature that reminds me to embrace it instead of fight it.

I have this nasty habit of trying to push through things, when often times, the answer is to just let go and relinquish all control. It's something I'm actively trying to work on and get back to. It's unfortunate that I found myself getting sucked into founder/hustle culture the last 2 years. I got burned. Badly. At least now I'm reconnecting with a much calmer, more peaceful side of me, and slowly starting to move back towards center. Balancing trying to find leisure and stillness while being a founding hire of a pre-seed company sure is a fun dichotomy.

v2.8.9

Published on 2021-10-09

My key take away for September was: recovery is far from linear.

September was a strong reminder that recovery isn't linear. Far from it, in fact. I mostly abandoned every project idea I had, and have totally trimmed everything down to the essentials. Main job, family/friends and my health. I realized I had too many inputs from outside sources that pushed me in the wrong direction. As soon as I realized that, I decided to take a much needed break from social media. I don't visit Twitter or Instagram any more, and I feel much, much better without them. I've mostly gone back to reading books, which is a much better use of my time. Sure, I'm missing trends. But at the end of the day, what does that really mean I'm missing?

My mental health for the most part has been doing much better—mostly because of my input changes—but there are still downs that sneak up out of nowhere. Other things I feel like I'm not doing enough of, things that I should have or things that I need to have that can cause a panic / anxiety spiral of doom. I'm still learning my triggers, which is a nasty process unfortunately. Nasty, but ultimately necessary. There's some decade long shit I needed to deal with but haven't, and some newly discovered issues I've apparently buried for the sake of productivity. "Productivity" is often my downfall as a human.

I've taken to reading two books that have been game changing in reconnecting with myself: Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday, and the Tao Te Ching (Skylight Illuminations Translation). These two books have been forcing me to ask some powerful questions, some of which bring me to tears. A lot of them long overdue questions. Questions that are often contradictory to themselves—the best kinds of questions to get answers to. Balancing acceptance that the answer may never come, along with the quest to find one, is a fun paradox in and of itself. I'm still trying to practice more acceptance. Especially around my recovery, and the fact that I still have anxiety / panic attacks. It's harder than you'd think to ride those waves as they come without playing in to the feeling of impending doom. But, it's what must be done.

v2.8.8

Published on 2021-09-13

My key take away for August was: don't let FOMO dictate your actions.

It feels like the second half of this year is moving at such a rapid pace. It feels like I sit at my desk, start working, and suddenly it's 4pm. Days are beginning to bleed together. It feels like May 2020 in a lot of ways.

I've largely abandoned the video-series idea at this point. It's just not me enough. I don't find much joy in filming myself, or talking to a camera. It's not my artistic medium. I have been diving back into crypto, mostly through NFTs. It might look like purely a hype thing, and that's undoubtedly part of my re-entry, but it's also a shift of mindset creatively. I've always been someone who saw programming as art, but I never put the pieces together that it can be a toolkit for artistic expression, too.

The boom in NFTs, especially in the generative space—with collectives like Art Blocks—has really highlighted this part of programming that I've never really thought about, or felt I could be good at. It's highly mathematical after all, which is a domain I'm far from being good in. I have, however, developed a better understanding of myself, and how I learn. So, I think it's time I give maths another shot. Plus, the work that's out there is so inspiring, and beautiful. The idea that algorithms can create complex compositions that evoke deep emotion is so exciting to think about. Especially when paired with smart contracts, and the idea of tradability. It expands the creative toolkit.

Outside of this, I'm planning on releasing some of my photographs as NFTs. I think it's the best way to understand the community and what it's like to be a creator in this new world. It's a really exciting time to be a creative.

v2.8.7

Published on 2021-08-01

My key take away for this month was: sometimes things are what they are; meta-analysis be damned.

July flew by. It feels like I was writing the entry for June last week. I guess it's because I've been busy taking photos almost every day, working on fun stuff with Fluent, and planning some video projects.

Constructing a visual narrative has always been something I've wanted to do, but I'd stop myself since it would require me to be vulnerable and exposed online. You know what they say, YouTube comments are a cesspool. Ever since I was a kid, though, I've wanted to make videos. I would film my family, make weird videos with friends, and just want to capture life.

Now that I'm getting back into photography, I want to capture that process, edit it down, and try to find the story in it. I've put a pause on the religious symbols project, and shifted focus to telling the story of the neighborhood I live in. Mostly through street photos I've taken. But, I want to create a mini-doc of what putting that series together has been like, down to the printing of a Zine.

One of my goals for this year, and the month of August, will be to get that book ready for printing, and have filmed the entire process. Ideally releasing a multi-part mini video series on YouTube by the end of it.

Depending on how much I enjoy the process, I might make it a regular thing. For now, though, I just want to validate that it's something I even enjoy.

Wish me luck.

v2.8.6

Published on 2021-07-13

My key take away for this month was: don't shy away from what you love to do.

Over June, I got started at my new role as Founding Engineer @ Fluent, and I couldn't be happier. It feels amazing to work with talented, optimistic people who're trying to change the world of learning. It hits very close to home as someone who mostly avoided traditional educational routes as a kid. The fact that I get to continue honing the craft of software development, which I love, and build something meaningful is an uplifting feeling. I'm excited to wake up and get out of bed again.

I've also gotten back into photography. I had a lull at the end of last year where life felt like it got in the way, but being able to find more balance recently, I can dedicate more time to photography as a hobby. So much so, I've decided I want to put together a cohesive body of work for the first time as a photographer. Outside of a photo 365 I did close to 10 years ago, I've never put spent the time to create a series that has a story.

I don't know how long it'll take to complete, but I don't want to focus on the end. I want this to be a journey, and for it to take me down paths I haven't yet explored. And to do that, I want to explore the religious symbols in/around Quebec. We used to be a culture, like many other places in North America, that was dominated by Christian/Catholic ideologies. And now, it's mostly faded to the background. The idea of going to church, your first communion, etc. have dramatically fallen in terms of adoption, especially within Montreal. Yet, we're still left with these massive spaces that occupy few in a given moment.

Outside of making photos of these buildings or symbols, I want to dig into the story of religion in Quebec. How it shaped our culture, and why it no longer seems to matter as much. I also want to document the entire process of building this body of work, as I think it'll be a great way to augment the narrative of whatever I publish.

v2.8.5

Published on 2021-06-06

My key take away for this month was: find work that lets you create.

The reflective nature of April led to me leaving Cafune in May. I realized that I was burnt out on coffee as a whole, and it wasn't just the business I had tried to build. I needed to step back. On top of that, the work that I would be doing at Cafune—short and long term—wouldn't fulfill the creation-oriented nature I have. Thankfully, my partner and friend understood where I was coming from, and we parted ways amicably. Starting this week, I'll be going back into a programming role, which I couldn't be more excited about.

Writing out what I felt I needed to have a "successful" and fulfilled life led me to this decision, and I honestly couldn't be happier.

For this next month, I want my focus to be on fostering long-lasting relationships and to try to find joy and laughter in as much of my life as possible.

v2.8.4

Published on 2021-05-03

My key take away for this month was: fulfillment comes from creation.

I've been doing a lot of reflection on what it takes for me to feel fulfilled. The thing I keep coming back to is that I need to live life, and create, on my own schedule. I'm a maker at heart, always have been. Doing things at the whim of someone else's schedule shackles me mentally, and often has me looking for an escape route. It's not a unique problem, but it feels great to recognize in myself.

This next month, my goal is to establish my new criteria for a "successful" life, and start building momentum towards it.

v2.8.3

Published on 2021-04-04

My key take away for this month was: there is safety in surrender.

I joined Cafune.ca as a partner in March. Getting up to speed has been an interesting shift in mindset/habits. Having worked in pure tech for most of my career, moving to e-commerce has been a huge shift. Lots of new stuff to learn, lots of new stuff to try & optimize. Thinking in margins/revenue tied to physical goods & processes is very, very different from software.

I've noticed it's easy for me to get caught up trying to fix, scale, and change things before I've lived with them long enough to fully understand them. So, I'm doing my best to take things slow, be a sponge, and wait to shift mindsets to growth until after the initial slow period of understanding. It's wild to think how far I've come mentally since January, where everything seemed so bleak and impossible. It feels great to have my mindset shift towards optimism again. I feel myself coming back to an equilibrium.

v2.8.2

Published on 2021-02-25

My key take away for this month was: recovering from burnout is a lengthy process.

I spent most of the month dealing with my anxiety and depression. It led me to really self-reflect and analyze what I want to spend my life focusing on. Thankfully, I had just enough savings left to give myself space before diving back into work. Through this process I've laid out an ideal balance I'd like to find, and I think an opportunity with that right balance is available to me starting in March.

v2.8.1

Published on 2021-01-31

The main take away from this month was to be kind to yourself.

After 3 1/2 years working on Firstbloom, I finally called it quits. It wasn't an easy decision but I was running myself into the ground. Had I pushed forward and continued, I think I would've ended up hospitalized. This situation has forced me to take a good look at what I need in a personal & professional context to thrive.