I can now move cars with my mind and levitate on command. Thanks for reading!

Just kidding.

I do have a much better understanding of myself, though. And, I’ve learned—like anything—meditation can become a shell of itself after a while.

Me, Myself, and I

I’m someone who can become pretty out of tune with their body and emotions. I live in my head. I live in the future. My mind is what drives me, for better or worse. Often times my body or “soul”¹ (for lack of a better term), need things I miss because I’m too wrapped up with theoretical and logical processes.

Meditation, along with exercise—specifically weight lifting—have helped me create a better mind <-> body <-> ”soul” connection. Those activities force me to slow the mind and feel. To let my subconscious unravel. Showing me the things I haven’t dealt with, but need to deal with in order to feel whole.

Like I’ve talked about before, that process of reconnection can be painful and scary. But now that I’ve experienced a stronger connection, I don’t want to lose it. The bonds aren’t a one-and-done glueing, though. Which brings me to the next point.

Going Through The Motions

It’s been two thousand days of meditation. Not all of them are equal. Like anything done over a long time horizon, some days are much better than others. The last eight months have been exceptionally tough, though.

I feel like I’ve been worn down to a shell. Our renovations drug on and I was largely responsible for finishing the work. Work is/was pulling for my attention. Personal projects I’d like to work on are bouncing around in my head, too. It’s a lot of open loops to close on top of regular human responsibilities. A lot of things are pulling for my attention at the same time.

I’m tired.

Which, unfortunately, means my practice has been a husk of what it was in the past. Which I think is perfectly normal, and under discussed in the world of meditation. Like anything you do with great repetition, it’ll eventually become dull. And, it’ll be heavily influenced by your day-to-day life’s demands. Especially as someone who doesn’t live in a monastary.

My practice feels rote right now. I sit to sit. The feeling of unravelling my mental stack isn’t as deep as it was. The connection to my body and “soul” feel dim. Old things are creeping in that elicit the same feelings I felt when I started this journey almost 5 years ago: background anxiety, mild depression, self-doubt.

I think it’s because I’m no longer treating meditation as something with a deeper purpose. It’s not something that feeds me anymore. I’m treating it like a checklist item. A streak I have to keep alive.

I used to read about Zen and meditation to deepen my practice. Seeking ways to further my understanding of this daily habit. That’s fallen to the sidelines, and it shows. It feels like showing up to the gym then leaving right away just to check off a box. Sure, I’m still showing up but what am I really doing for myself?

The Next 2000 Days

Meditation isn’t something I’ll stop. Not intentionally, anyway. I’ve had too many good sessions to outweigh this lull. But, I think it’s important to recognize the lull. To talk about it. To name the dip and its causes. That’s step one. The next step is creating space for a deeper practice again.

My sleep schedule is all out of whack. No fixed wake-up or sleep time. I’m spending too much time consuming media again as a way to drown out the background anxiety during the day and before bed. This means my mornings aren’t protected anymore. So, step two is: protect my mornings.

I need one to two hours before getting into work mode. A space for me to meditate, journal if necessary but most importantly read. The mornings used to be my non-fiction time. A place to consume slow media that helped me see myself and the world differently. That’s been gone for far too long. The wake up -> meditate -> podcast/youtube formula just isn’t working. Whatever unwinding of the mental stack I get from meditation immediately gets re-wound by the podcast or YouTube video I’m watching. I have no time to even sit with the emotions after I open my eyes. Maybe that’s subconsciously intentional. Whatever the case, I have to work on breaking that cycle. Those few minutes afterwards where you sit with whatever came up is when the new neural pathways are formed.

I’m hopeful these changes will help deepen my practice again. Re-level me and make me more able to deal with life’s ”fun” little challenges.

Footnotes

1. When I say soul, I mean the subconscious part that drives your emotions. Which can be quite physical, but often it’s a more intangible need. At least for me. ↩